
"I'm not saying that I really dislike whatever it is that you're doing that's taking attention away from me. But I'm not NOT saying that, either."
….just make a screwed-up face and give passive-aggresive backhanded compliments. Don’t worry. Even when you’re not saying contemptuous, highly personal things, we all know what you mean.
I cannot tell you exactly why Christina Aguliera has been so openly hostile to Tony Lucca, “The Voice” contestant and her former “Mickey Mouse Club” co-star. At first, she didn’t even recognize him during the chair-spinning blind auditions, even though they were castmates and HE SAID HIS ACTUAL NAME TO HER. And then the next time she mentioned him, it was to pretty much blame him for having famous fans and to imply that this was somehow cheating. She was somewhat gracious the next week, when Tony’s coach, Adam Levine, passive-aggressived her back by giving him a Britney Spears cover to sing, as a reminder to Christina that she’s not the only former hot blond Mousketeer in the world.
But last night, after Lucca’s ridiculously smooth, if slightly Robert Palmer-esque take on The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now,” Christina seemed to go out of her way to be positive without actually saying anything positive about Tony. She complimented his song choice by saying that SHE’D actually cleared it for another singer on her team. Then she attributed his dance moves to his coach, Mr. Moves Like Jagger, and suggested that they start a Britney cover band. And THEN she said his song was “fun,” which is in the same vague non-compliment wheelhouse as “interesting” and “energetic,” and told him she liked his Britney cover better, which may be because it was directed at her. And since almost all of her criticism of the other judge’s singers were about her – “I used to sing that song! You remind me of me! You know who sang that song better than you? ME!” – she’s apparently very comfortable in that space.
My favorite is when she “congratulates” her singers by jumping onstage with them, lest someone else get screen time or attention. She’s hilarous, at least with a TV screen between us. In person I don’t think I could take her.
It seems unlikely that Christina has held onto some deep, seething conflict with Lucca since the ’90s, because she didn’t even recognize him when she first saw him. But since she’s so obviously unable to be cool about whatever’s up her butt about him being on the show, I feel free to speculate. It’s not like she’s hiding it.
- Wild Speculation 1: Christina was legitmately annoyed that fellow former Mouseketeer and big huge star Justin Timberlake has endorsed Tony on Twitter, really believing that it gives him an unfair advantage over the other singers.
- Wild Speculation 2: She’s jealous of Justin. Tony’s not the only singer with a famous outside fan - Alicia Keys has endorsed former backup singer Jermaine Paul, and technically each of the judges is a celebrity endorser of their own team. To me, it seemed like she was annoyed at the particular celebrity, because…and I can’t say this enough…everything is about her. She seems personally insulted that another Mouseketeer is on the show, and that Justin, the Mousketeer who is as big of a star as her (or maybe bigger) is involving himself in her orbit, thus reminding people that there are bigger stars than her. Tony was fine as long as he was an example of how child stardom doesn’t guarantee a meteoric rise (like hers) and she was on a higher plane than him. But if he can succeed outside of this show…that’s not fine with her.
- Wild Speculation 3: Her issues with Levine, who is the other youngish pop singer on the show, have bled into her judging of one of his obvious pets. She passive-aggressives all over Adam, taking the show’s trademark ribbing of each other to an uncomfortably sharp level, to a point where they seem like they’re about to either have hate sex or start punching each other. Or both. In any event, they just seem to have issues. And she can’t help but make those issues part of her issues with Tony. Or about her. Because we have established that she likes this.
Whatever is going on inside that pretty little peroxided head of hers, I wonder if Christina realizes that it’s all coming out on her face, and that no amount of half-nice fake compliments can disguise them. Mean faces speak louder than words.