It’s official. Mariah Carey is your new American Idol judge, or at least one of them (they definitely need another one, and if the producers like being on air, they’ll replace Randy Jackson and go for a three-fer).

She fills one of the spots vacated by Steven “You’re Beautiful” Tyler, who is definitely leaving, and Jennifer “I’m Beautiful” Lopez, who is apparently holding out for more cash but is almost for sure leaving. But let’s be honest — she’s replacing J.Lo, because you can’t have both of them. They’d cancel each other out, salary-wise, because heels and good hairpieces aren’t cheap. And the atmosphere can’t hold that much diva — the air would literally be sucked out of the room, and the egos, hairspray and aforementioned hairpieces would explode in a frenzy of scarred assistants and tiny dogs.

So, it’s gonna be Mariah, and whoever replaces Tyler, and hopefully someone who isn’t Randy, Dawg, because, for me, he’s a little tiresome. (But he’s in it to win it!) I couldn’t be more thrilled with the choices. And here is why (you knew I’d wanna elaborate, right?)

1) Becaue you already had an imitator. Why not hire an original? Yeah, I said it. Jennifer Lopez has a lot of things going for her: Gorgeous. Dances. Has crossed over into several genres. Makes videos with a lot of people partying and dancing behind her but being not quite as interesting as her. Interesting dating choices. Cute kids. Big old diva. And if she’s following a template, which I think she did, it’s the one designed by Mariah Carey some two decades ago. Mariah is the same age, still gorgeous and relevant. She’s a great fit.

2) She can actually sing: Notice when I mentioned JLo’s attributes that “a good singing voice” was not among them. Sister can dance. She’s beautiful. But she has a voice so thin that if it were human, it would be immediately pumped with fluids and be on a strict watch until it gained some weight. Mariah, on the other hand, has a trained voice, and can not only give knowledgeable vocal advice, but can relate to the kids because she can actually sing without backup singers filling in the cracks like Spackle.

3) She’s already sort of auditioned for the job: She’s been a mentor, on the show, and was surprisingly connected, given her reputation as a diva who won’t make eye contact with you and wants only white flowers and chairs and flowers in her dressing room and other stupid diva tricks. I remember her connection with David Cook, who covered “Always Be My Baby” in a unique and appropriate way. She was beaming, because there seemed to be some mutual musical respect. She also seemed to like being fawned over a little, but was there as a professional. And if she can keep that up, she’ll be great.

4) She’ll hopefully tell the truth: Idol’s most glaring issue last season, besides their inability to do something about their youth-skewing voting system, was that not one of the judges consistently bothered to judge. And it was more than in past seasons where they lied completely about what they had seen depending on who the favorites were, praising the weak but cute and tanking the (older) less popular (with the kids) singers. It was that they just stopped saying anything, other than how pretty the kid looked or that they should believe in themselves and dream those dreams and climb every mountain and to not let Fraulein Maria make them costumes out of curtains, because they were kind of jacked up. Anyway, she seems pretty candid, and businesslike (she is a songwriter and producer, you know), and I can’t see her let the kids off the hook with “I like your earrings.”

Also - and this is part of what I believe the problem was with JLo and Tyler - Mariah Carey doesn’t need to be nice so that people will buy her albums. I mean, Tyler doesn’t either, but I think he got tired of being the critical one. JLo, on the other hand, while still famous, unarguably got a career boost from being on the show. And now that she’s back on the charts, on commercials and on the cover of People magazine, she didn’t want to risk her reanimated status by looking mean. Mariah Carey is an icon. She doesn’t need to be nice to be loved. And if the kids cry, she can let loose a rainbow of butterflies or hand out puppies or whatever lovingly twee unicorn circus she does. (I saw her once where a mime painted her portrait as she sang. I will never know why. But she’s Mariah Carey. She doesn’t have to explain it to you).

5) She’s new: This show needs new, if it’s gonna stay on the air. Although I disagree with those at home who say it doesn’t create career opportunities, because I guarantee you that most of the kids who’ve placed in the Top 10 are doing a lot better than if they’d never gone on it, I will admit that the last several winners haven’t set the world on fire. So to justify its existence, “Idol” needs a good shot of new. And Mariah Carey is perfect. And if she flames out, at least they tried. And we can talk about her outfits.