Brett! Have you been here the whole time?

ALERT: SPOILERY SPOILERS.

I’m not sure if CBS just decided to compile every interesting thing that Brett, the here-to-fore invisible member of “Survivor”‘s original Galu tribe, has ever done into one episode, or if he’s been just lying back, calculating and biding his time, waiting for the right moment to reveal his strategy…or just remind viewers that he’s actually there.

But blandly cute Brett suddenly burst onto the scene and wound up with immunity and a place in Evil Mastermind Russell’s consciousness. That’s usually a bad thing, because if Russ thinks you’re a threat, he’s gonna try to oust you.

In fact, in the early part of what turned out to be a two-elimination episode, Russ’s smugly smugged that Brett was the big threat. This dude is a genius, because this was before they showed Brett doing anything but sitting there looking like Brett. So for Russell to recognize that this kid was a player denotes either Russell’s forethought or the CBS editors’ hamfisted, lopsided presentation that chose to ignore Brett in earlier episodes for storytelling reasons. You decide.

Anyway, there’s another Survivor making declarations based on things nobody’s seen. Jaison says that he’s been running the game in stealth mode, letting Russell do the dirty work. Really? I’ve seen a few things that Jaison’s done that other people have gotten credit for, and he’s smart, but running the game? He and Natalie have worked some Galu-infiltration that has gone unnoticed. But I think Russell really is in charge, at least until these knuckleheads decide to vote him out.

This brings me to something my sister always says, about why people get so caught up in the gameplay that they don’t band together and vote out the biggest threats, so they aren’t a problem. She says, in the voice of some random Survivor, “Gee, I can’t believe how much of a threat What’s-His-Head is! What are we gonna do? Oh, if only there were some device in this game by which we could get rid of people who are too big of  threat?”

Jaison and Mick had a whole stinking conversation about why they were keeping an eye on Russell. Keeping an eye on him? You need to vote his little smug, glowering mug off the show? Of course, he has that idol, by the end of the show, he’d put it around his neck like “Alright, punks, what you gonna do about it?” I say, disarm him by appealing to his ego, which is the trigger to getting him to react irrationally. After being relatively calm and collected for a few weeks, he was back to his nasty ways last night, calling Monica “a little (bisnatch)” because she crossed him.

And I gotta tell you, by the way, how impressed I was with Miss Monica and her twisty, muscular head-twisting ways. Even though she still got bounced (Dave Ball went first), Sister was working overtime trying to plant seeds of doubt when Brett won immunity and she figured correctly that she was on the chopping block. And she kept taunting and twisting right until the end. Again, this makes me very frustrated with the editors, because we have no way of knowing if she’s been this smart the whole time and that they just chose to present her as a Laura follower for story purposes.

Anyway, the power in the game is still Russell’s, but I really hope that Mick and Jaison, who’s been a challenge monster in the last couple of weeks, are wise. The previews for next week show that Jaison and Russell are teaming up, with Natalie, Mick and the newly alive Brett forming their own thing. This leaves Shambo twisting in the wind, although she still actually thinks she’s running things herself, so whenever they boot her, it’ll be merciful because she’ll be allowed to exist in her happy little delusion for as long as possible.

So I’m looking forward to next week, because I’m hoping that the gang figures out some way to get Russell not to play that idol and then bounces him off to Juryland. Please.

(ALERT: HERE BE SPOILERS)

…when first we trust Russell.

It’s funny. For weeks, I waited for that little troll-like joker to prove himself to be the grand master champion that Jeff Probst and those meddling “Survivor” producers have insisted all along that he is. And then, suddenly, there he was, finding an 80th hidden immunity idol without a clue, and then subverting a would-be booting by producing one of them at the 11th hour. When he’s not being a horrible sexist creep, sometimes I always like him.

But then tonight, in his heady zeal to show how much in charge he did, Russell engineered a blindside that is going to bite him in the butt come vote time. And if he doesn’t keep an eye on the people he’s gleefully tossing under a bus, he’s going to find himself up the creek without immunity when everyone he’s messed with decides not to vote for him.

I am not surprised that he wanted John gone, because he’s not from the original Foa Foa, and because he’s sort of annoying and impressed with himself. He does have pretty hair, which is probably nota plus for Russell. If it were me, the only thing to save John would be the fact that Monica the Following Sheep wants him gone, and I dislike her so much that I want to deny her happiness. Sorry. Petty pants over here.

It was a pretty good episode, which featured the annual auction. Shambo spent hundreds of dollars on a festival of sea slugs with parmesan, but tried to look on the bright side and focus on the protein or whatever. I don’t like when people beat up on Shambo, but it was pretty funny. Forgive me.

Two observations: Probst has been hitting the Grecian formula like a hair color wino. And why do I always forget about Brett?

The usual food deals happen – Natalie pays $200 for PB&J, Monica gets a whole roasted chicken for $340 and Mick gets a cheeseburger, beer and all the acoutrements for $500.

The two most interesting purchases are Jaison and John. John first buys a clue for the idol that we know Russell already has (good poker face, Russ!) and then a honking piece of pie. He has the choice of giving four other people a slice each and giving his up, or just being a selfish weenie and eating his own piece.

John chooses to punk everyone else and eat up. Why do we know this is gonna come back to bite him in the rocket scientist butt?

Jaison, on the other hand, gives up any chance at wining food by spending all of his money on something that, he’s told, will be of great use in terms of immunity. What can it be?

After the challenge, the decision is made to kill the chickens, which saddens their friend Shambo. She offers to honor them in her heart and meet them again in heaven…where someone else will probably kill them and eat them again. It’s hard out here for a hen.

The chicken episode is not as much fun as it should be because after Shambo insists on cooking the chicken too long, which looks gross. We never get to see if it turns out that way because the editors don’t show us. Boo. There is a bizarre Shambo dream, which we see in this weird recreation with crabs and chickens running around in a psychedelic pot hallucination. And in the midst of all the crystal blue persuasion, she dreams that Dave got voted off. She goes to Russell with this, and tells him they need to get rid of Dave. Russell observes that Shambo has no logic when it comes to votes – someone offends her, they have to go.

Gee, Russell! Sounds like someone else we know. Like, you, several weeks ago!

We get to the immunity challenge, which involves holding onto ropes until your hands bleed and cry. You get to start out holding knots, which stop the slide. Jaison’s prize means that he gets two more knots, which make it easier to hold the ropes, and get him immunity. Yay! John, who had pie, finds that the idol he has the clue for is already gone.

Hope that was some good pie.

Anyway, Russell has a great idea – how about booting off John? John doesn’t expect it, mostly because he’s been told that it was gonna be Dave. I see that John is a threat, but Dave is a bigger one. And I just don’t see that stabbing a potential jury member in the back is gonna help come the final vote.

So that’s what happens – John gets his butt handed to him, and it’s beautiful because it takes a few more votes than it seems to take other victims of the blindside to get it, because he’s a smug little one. And when he gets it, the look on his face is delicious. Shambo is so confused, which leads that nasty Rev. Laura to sniggle “She has no idea what’s going on.”

Neither did you, Queenie! And I believe Shambo is still in the game, and you’re not! Shut your pie hole, Mean Girl.

So next week’s gonna be interesting, because apparently everyone finally gets how sneaky Russell is. But how to separate him from that idol? Hmmm…..

So we’ll pick up where we left off next week with a real new episode and some fun and hijinks. I love hijinks!

Aww, yeah!

For the third week in a row, “Survivor” remembers its origins as a twisty, crafty stunner where anything can happen if greed, strategy and gobsmacked luck win out. Laura, the queen bee of the former Galu tribe and the head mean girl in Shambo’s head, took a powder in the most delicious blindside, which was made all the more spicy by Laura’s arrogant denial that it could ever happen.

And to her I say: Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, neh neh neh, goodbye!

Previously in “Survivor:: Shenanigans! Lies! Condescension! Some guy named Brett!

Russell is back to admiring his handiwork, although this time it’s not fictional. I still don’t like his nastiness, and the fact that I don’t believe he’s finding all these immunity idols by himself without help. It’s getting annoying, and anti-climactic. Good thing everything else has been so unpredictable.

Laura is busy making me root for Russell just to spite her, because she can’t believe that Russell foiled her plans by having the immunity idol last time – “We know he’s sneaky…he’s always sneaking around,” she complains. It’s not like he stole it, you twit. It was out there where anyone could find it. I hate, hate, hate entitlement.

Shambo continues her ranting, irrational hatred of Laura, which is going to make her a pawn of someone more focused and rational than her. Which is anyone. Because she’s like Teen Captain Ahab with this thing, with Moby Heather in her sights. She actually interviews that she’d like to find the idol and give it to Russell again just to spite Laura. Oh, that’s just silly.

There’s some crazy reward challenge involving pushing around a castaway in a cradle while they pick up flags and plant them into little stands, while….it’s complicated. And sort of exciting. But weird. Where do they come up with this stuff? I dunno, but let’s ask Jeff Probst and these product placement Palm devices! They also get a clue that the immunity idol is now somewhere under a rock! Like that one there, Russell! Love, the Producers!

The winners, including Russell and Laura, all go to an island where they have a picnic and take pictures where their Palm product and are just glad to be eating real food. Meanwhile, Jaison and Mick, the Adorable Duo, are trying to get Monica to flip. She says she wants John out, and they say they can probably do that.

Meanwhile…who the heck is Brett?

Everyone scrambles for the idol, and Russell finds it first, because that’s just how this works, apparently. Boring. Whatever. Anyway, Mick wins immunity, which makes me happy, because he’s very pretty, and because he’s not Laura. Here’s where it gets all weird and funny – Everyone starts trying to decide who to vote for. The former Foa Foaians want to get rid of Laura, while four of the five Galu decide to get the Foaians to vote for John, thus allowing them to sneak in a vote for Natalie. Everyone seems on board with this but John, who has become my new favorite. Not only is he annoyed on the principle that , as a rocket scientist, he’s stuck with people who have poor analytic skills, but he’s cheesed that no one ran this “Put John on the block” plan by…John.

Oh, I love when they start talking logic when other people are running around half cocked and dumb. It makes the blindsides all the more blind.

“I’m not risking my life to save Laura,” he says. “Sorry, Laura.”

Yeah, I feel ya, kid.

We come to tribal, where our jury, Erik and Kelly, are pissy and ready to see someone exact revenge on their behalf. I notice at this moment that Shambo looks like John Parr. Wanna be a mullet in motion, y’all!

The vote comes, and Shambo, of course, votes for Laura. And…it’s a tie! So we go back. If it’s another tie, they draw randomly. And it’s….

LAURA! Well, I already told you that. But it’s no less wonderful to say it again. Because Galu and their plotting and their infernal presumptious snottiness…well, they’ve been foiled again. I will never get tired of seeing that bamboozledy hoodwinked look on Dave Ball’s face.

Pop quiz, Dave…how many times do you have to have that look to realize that you don’t run shiznit?

Just wondering.

Is it possible that “Survivor: Samoa,” which just two weeks ago was turning out to be a televised Ambien pill, has pulled off two doozy blindside elimination wham blams in a row? Yes it is! And has the former Galu tribe become so disgustingly smug that I was actually rooting for Evil Russell and his scheming to triumph?

Apparently they have! And are we finally having fun? Oh, assuredly yes!

We begin this week’s episode with a recap of last week’s awesomeness, where Erik yapped his way into elimination, where Russell played his immunity idol early, and where Jaison remembered he was playing this game and got all Shakespeare on Erick. It was the best of times, it was the best of times.

The only thing about the recap is that Probst won’t give Jaison any recap love for being a part of Natalie’s talking-up of the Galu women. Jeff Probst – you are fie biscuits.

A weird looking crab and a rat lurk across the Aiga camp, and provide two more reasons that I will never, ever, ne-ver apply for “Survivor.” The latter critter provides fodder for what I’d like to christen “Survivor Theater,” starring Natalie and the rat. I wish I could say I made up most of this dialogue, but most of it’s the real deal. And that’s even funnier.

NATALIE: You’re really cute, rat! But you’re something to eat! So I’ma have to kill you! Stick or a rock…stick or a rock…Turn around and eat your snack, buddy. Eat your snack!

GIANT STICK: Whack!

NATALIE: Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, my word. He was looking at me…and he was cute! But I never been this hungry in my life.

(Goes into camp with the rat, now dead, sticking tail-first out of an empty coconut)

NATALIE: I killed something, y’all!

JAISON: On so many levels, I’m proud of Natalie.

ME: (eating low fat ice cream out of a cup) But are you proud that you’re eating a rat? What’s wrong with you?

And scene!

Russell is, at this time, looking for the second immunity idol, again with no clue. First he has to get through the reward challenge, which involves some torture gauntlet with carrying a big stick full of balls, figuring out a number code and then making a blindfolded tribemate find those numbers in Braille. Cruel, show, the hoops you make them jump through.

The winning tribe, including Dave, Monica and Shambo, frollick in a natural waterslide, while Russell finds the immunity idol, again without a clue, because evil is smart. He says he ‘s “not gonna tell a damn soul,” right before he tells Shambo and the rest of old Foa Foa. Apparently, they don’t have souls. He’s like Gollum with the hidden immunity precious. Hush up.

So the plan becomes that old Foa Foa will vote for Laura, but she totally wins immunity. Shambo retreats to her lair where high school cliques abound and she’s on the AV team, because Laura is the lead Heather and look, it’s Christian Slater! And if you didn’t get that reference, sorry to get all my Gen-X on you.

Mick wants to “put a dent in the patronizing attitude” that the old Galu still has, and that’s going to be easy, because they’re so smug and patronizing that they can’t see past their own butts. They totally want Russell gone, but Monica wonders if they shouldn’t be careful in case Russell found the idol, and Dave Ball’s like “No, they didn’t, because my awesome mullett twitches when I’m being punkcd, and it’s perfectly still, so suck it, losers!”

Dave ends his victory-before-it-happens speech with the declaration that when they vote Russell out, they will kill a chicken. The chicken (the one Shambo didn’t lose) is frantically trying to tell Russell about the  plan, because it totally is not going out like that. The chicken that did get loose is trying to alert the rat’s family. There will be retribution, Natalie. Oh, yes. Make no mistake about that.

Tribal starts, and Erik comes in to sit in the jury section and give old Galu the stink eye. It’s wonderful. Something bad has happened, y’all – I dislike so many people this season that most of my motivation is picking who among the people I dislike I want sicced on all the other people I like less. But it’s fun.

Dave Ball, who is on my list, is talking about how Erik was bad juju, so even though the rest of the old Galu tribe is still tight, Erik had to go. Erik is not happy. But he gets happier when everyone votes, and then Russell plays his Idol. Dave Ball looks shocked, and Kelly, who I keep forgetting about, sees her name written down three times, which is enough to boot her because none of the majority votes, all for Russell, count.

Erik is pleased. And I don’t love him, but I just love that smug look going away on the Galu faces, so I’ll join him.

This has become epic. And now that Russell’s second Idol is gone, it’s anyone’s game. As it should be.

Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

My sister and I have had a long tradition of Friday morning phone calls where we dish about the crafty craftiness of the previous night’s “Survivor.” We used to call it the magical deliciousness. But the current season in Samoa has been neither magical or delicious. Actually, it’s been sort of tough and chewy.

But last night, which marked the debut of the merged tribe, Aiga, was magical. And delicious. And seasoned with buckets of Backstabbing Sauce, with a side of paranoia salad. Because the merged tribes accomplished three amazing feats: Voting off Erik, who stuck his big, scheme-y head too high and got it lopped off, making Russell so crazy that he played his beloved immunity idol, which he wound up wasting because nobody voted for him, and making everyone so generally cautious that they can’t remember who they’re supposed to turn on first.

See? Magic.

Also, last night was the first time that I was able to recognize every castaway by sight.

Erik delivered one of the most masterful exhibits of self-sabotage I have ever seen on this show, because instead of trying to convince people not to vote for him, he waved his superiority all over Tribal Council. He also messed with Jaison. And Momma don’t like that.

He didn’t even play his immunity idol, which was kind of stupid. This guy was such a prig that he actually made me want to save Russell. And my distaste for Russell is well-documented. I believe that the word “tool” has been used. So, there you go.

You know, this turn of events just might prove the method of the madness that has been the editing this year. I could not figure out why the show was so set on showing Russell and his supposed “king of the game” shtick and outright ignore other members who I didn’t even know were there. But now that he’s down – he had no protection without that idol, and because he engaged in some stupid gameplay by showing everybody but Probst his idol – his desperation could be entertaining. Normally, I don’t revel in the desperation of others, but this dude, with his menace and his laughing derision of everyone, including women, is asking for it.

In other fun developments:

— John and Laura both won individual immunity this week. Laura, another Survivor whose supposed superiority grates, needs to stay another week just to get rid of Russell. He’s gunning for her because she told him, point blank, that he wasn’t running nothing but scared, and he can’t have women challenging him. Also, Shambo can’t stand her, which normally would mean nothing, because Shambo is sort of sad and has no power. But since the guys are using her as a blunt instrument, they can use her alienation and really annoying persecution complex to their advantage.

— Jaison, who hasn’t done all that much lately but look miserable, brought back the awesome that he displayed back when he took Ben’s racist, sexist self down to Chinatown, and then left it there with no bus fare. Stupid Erik was all “You’d be the perfect player if you didn’t stink so much, Jaison!” and Jaison was like “I have worked too hard to put up with this.”

And also, have fun beeing booted!

Oh, this is good. Well played, Aiga. And well played, “Survivor.”

The Galu tribe had a tough decision during their very first trip to tribal council – should they vote out Monica, who did really badly on a challenge, or Yasmin, who doesn’t really do…anything?

We’re still in the early phases where there are a lot of people I still can’t tell apart, because there are just too many of them. But it’s hard to exactly get into the “Survivor”‘s heads, because I’m watching this unfold lying on my tuccus in my air-conditioned living room with my cat, and they’re running around a hot rainy jungle chasing a chicken.

And when you find that the primary drama of your day involves running around a jungle chasing a chicken – and you are not a Samoan native but, like, an attorney from Topeka or something….well, you just have some problems I am never gonna have. So whatever decision you and your chicken-chasing little heart have to make to feel good about yourself, I’m behind. Bully for you. I’ma go refill my plate and watch you go to Tribal Council.

For what it’s worth, I agree with the decision to vote Yaz out, because she’s pretty annoying, used laziness as a strategy and seemed, at least through editing, to sit around waiting for other people to do stuff for her. Yet, she has had one positive effect, although she couldn’t have known it – having been on the wrong end of a racist, sexist tirade by FoaFoain Ben, she was the catalyst for his ouster.

Of course, the show’s editor and the Probstian voiceover want you to believe that Ben’s ouster had something to do with Evil Russell’s mastermind-ery, when it had more to do with Ben shutting the heck up. He really is the evil genius in the vein of The Brain from “Pinky and the Brain,” because he’s over there plotting to take over the world, and the rest of the world is like “Dude, look at the mouse in the lab.” I refuse to believe that idiot runs anything, and chose to believe that it’s just editorial strategery on behalf of a show who really needs to believe there’s a compelling plotline in there. Yawn. A lot.

Richard Hatch, “Survivor”‘s very first winner and its very first villain, was both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to this show. He set the standard for how to play the game: having a clear strategy, lying and keeping your plans to yourself. But he also guaranteed that it would be hard, for the rest of the run of the show, to find new and organic ways to be evil, because everyone was so aware of how it was supposed to be done.

I blame Hatch, and Jonny Fairplay, and stupid crazy Coach, for what we’re stuck with this year – Russell, who apparently has set out to be the meanest, baddest “Survivor” EVER. He might be the meanest, but his intention, as he put it, to show how easy it is to win the game by turning everyone against each other, is tiresome because it’s going to be hard to watch the game without focusing on his shenanigans.

His tribe, Foa Foa, already followed his lead in voting off Marisa, a girl who told him she didn’t trust him. A villain is only effective if his victims don’t rise up and vote him out, and if Foa Foa keeps this joker around, when some of them already have issues with him, then they deserve everything that’s coming to them.

We’re here in Samoa, Home of untouched shores, beautiful water and many wrestlers. And now, Jeff Probst’s dimples. I have long been a critic of Probst’s meddling in tribe affairs and outright disdain for players whose appeal he doesn’t get (ie: Anyone who’s not a fake warrior, a he-man or a hot girl). But I hear he actually tosses someone out of a challenge next week, so that might be fun.

So far, I like the other Russell, the leader of the other tribe, Galu; Betsey, the cop, and Nick, the Foa Foa leader, because he’s pretty and sort of smart. The jury is out on everybody else. I just want them to get rid of Evil Russell, because his plotting is gonna eat my game, and there’s too much deliciousness to be had to focus on him the whole season.