And it wasn't even his audition.

“Where were you when it all started?” a sober placard at  the beginning of “American Idol”‘s first episode of 2012 asked? Well, ten years ago, when the then-crazy sounding talent show started, I was in my living room in York, Pa., asking my roommate “Are you watching this?”

Yeah, she was, and 10 years later that crazy talent show has become one of the things people ask me the most about, besides whether I am Macy Gray. Which I still am not.

So now I sit in my living room in Lake Worth, 10 years older, and find that, just like in “Dazed and Confused,” I keep getting older and the contestants stay the same age. Actually, they seem like zygotes. Tiny singing showbiz zygotes. David Leathers, Jr., or as his friends call him “Mr. Steal Your Girl” (?), is the first one we see in Savannah. He’s wearing sunglasses and a tie, and his confidence, and boast to have won against last year’s winner Scotty McCreary in a previous competition, means he’s either the best thing ever or a sad singing shame.

And…he’s fabulous. Good for you, Zygote in a Tie.  In an unrelated note, Steven’s theme for today seems to be Cross Dressing Pimp. It’s an odd choice, but we salute you for your commitment. And I think I have that lipstick.
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Hey, “American Idol” fans! When you buy tickets for this summer’s “American Idols Live!” tour, these are the singers you’re going to spend the evening with! Hope you like ‘em!

Usher is our R&B mentor as the Idols bring soul to the stage. Umm…I’m not sure how that’s gonna work with some of these people, but I got nothing but time, blog space and kosher wine (Happy Passover!), so bring it. He promises to be critical, and warns the singerlings that he might hurt their feelings a little if it means getting to the truth. I wonder if anyone’s gonna cry. Or punch him in the face and break his sunglasses. Guy, Corey Hart left the building 26 years ago. You can take the sunglasses off now.

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This is gonna be a short one, because  the outcome is simple – Little Lacey Brown, let go because America apparently wasn’t thrilled with her version of “Ruby Tuesday.” For she did not change with every new day, and they’re not going to miss you.

I love when the theme provides you with a nifty way to sing people off the show.

I’m not all that sorry Lacey’s gone, although I thought that Andrew was gonna feel the fierce bump of the boot first. If he doesn’t get better, he’ll be following soon enough. I will note that I loved Simon’s trying to get serious with Seacrest about the weird uncomfortable moment between them Tuesday night when Seacrest got in Simon’s face about his criticism of Big Mike. Simon was totally right – it was uncalled for, crossed the line between host and judge, made the poor kid uncomfortable, and just ate up all the air time.

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It was Rolling Stones night, but for some reason I couldn’t get Barry Manilow’s “Ready To Take A Chance Again” out of my head – “It’s all very nice, but not very good.”

Even though Kara kept referring to the Stones in the past tense, like they were dead people from olde Vaudeville times, Mick and the boys are still incredibly energetic performers, even with the health problems and addictions and shenanigans that should have killed them 40 years ago (and, perhaps, did – you can still not convince me that Keith Richards isn’t pulled together by fairie dust, bionics, and the engineers that do the figures at the Hall of Presidents at Disney).

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Pick the nominees you think will win:

Animated Program, Outstanding Commercial, Makeup (Non-Prosthetic), Prosthetic Makeup, Actor In A Comedy Series, Actor In A Drama Series, Actress in a Comedy Series, Actress In A Drama Series, Reality Host, Comedy Series, Drama Series, Children’s Program, Reality Program, Competition Program

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Last year, American Idol‘s Ryan Seacrest emceed the Emmys, a first for a reality show host. But Seacrest bombed.

So, what did ABC do this year?

Bring Seacrest back with…four other reality show hosts! Ooooh, goodie!

Unfortunately the result was the same: The telecast bombed and was even worst than last year’s show. At least Seacrest could spread the blame. He stunk up the joint with Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst and Heidi Klum. With no one to vote off, The Reality Show Five looked woefully out of place. Even they admitted in their lame opening they had nothing. But who knew they were being so literal?

When Begeron let Klum fall to the stage in a painfully unfunny bit, the thud wasn’t as loud as all the jokes and one-liners that kept falling flat all night long.

It took an old pro like Don Rickles to show The Reality Show Five what funny is really all about. Rickles came out and mostly killed. Checking out a sea of white faces in the front row at the Nokia Theater, Rickles joked the row looked like O.J. Simpson’s jury. And when Kathy Griffin informed Don that the teleprompter’s red light was flashing — a sign for the star to stay on script — Rickles rolled his eyes and deapanned the light was flashing because the telecast was such a “hot” show.

I say let Rickles host next year.

With a show that bad, there weren’t many memorable moments. But here are a few…

Funniest acceptance speech: Tina Fey. After winning for Best Actress in a Comedy, Fey revealed that when she has trouble with a scene, her hubby tells her to act like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Then, right on cue, the 30 Rock star holds up her shiny new Emmy, looks at Julia (who just lost to Fey) and cracks, “This is really working out for me.” Kudos to Julia for laughing and being a good sport.

Worst jacket on a dude: Perhaps new CSI star Laurence Fishburne thought he was going to the Playboy Mansion instead of the Emmys. How else can you explain him wearing a fire engine red jacket that looked like it’s been hanging in Hef’s closet since the late ’60s?

Most surprising upset: Breaking Bad‘s Brian Cranston beating out Mad Men favorite Jon Hamm. Even the dashing Hamm could be seen mouthing “Whoa!” when Cranston’s name was announced.

Star Who Looked Most Like A Young Jack Nicholson: Christian Slater could very well be Jack’s love child. Same eyebrows. Same creepy smile. Same receding hairline. Scary.

Meaniest Looking Presenter: David Boreanaz. I’ve seen killers on Death Row look more excited than the Bones star did last night while presenting the Best Actor and Actress in a Comedy Emmy. Somebody should’ve told David he’s not playing Angel anymore. It’s OK to lighten up a bit.

Best dig at President Bush: Paul Giamatti cracking that “anybody can play the president. Anybody.”

Star I’m Really Sorry Didn’t Win: Lost‘s Michael Emerson. But at least he lost to Zeljko Ivanek who did some fine work on Damages as a high-powered attorney.

Best Musical Number: Josh Groban singing the theme songs to a bunch of popular TV shows. OK, so it was the only musical number. But it was sure better than watching the The Reality Show Five bomb.

Ryan Seacrest’s quest for world television domination continues.

It was announced today that Seacrest and Comcast Entertainment Group have (warning: mind-numbing corporate p.r.-speak is coming!) forged a new multi-year agreement that significantly expands Seacrest’s television and new media production business across the company’s network via Ryan Seacrest Productions, the star’s full service, independent production company.

Someone actually got paid to write that!

Translation: Seacrest is closer to owning the TV universe and making Simon Cowell a bit player in one of his upcoming productions.

Under the terms of the deal, Seacrest will continue to serve as managing editor and anchor of E! News and as executive producer and host of E!’s Live From the Red Carpet specials. It also means Comcast retains “first look” rights to all projects produced by Seacrest through 2011 and that it will develop shows for Comcast’s family of networks, which includes E!, The Style Network, G4, Golf Channel and FEARnet.

Ah, the last network I mentioned is sort of apropos. In the very near future, after all, we may have to start fearing — gulp! — that man Seacrest. He’s quickly becoming like one of the villains in the James Bond movies, you know, the bad guy who’ll stop at nothing until the world and everything in it is his.

What makes Seacrest so dangerous, however, is that he does his world television domination thing with charm, a smile and good hair.

The man must be stopped. Where’s 007 when you need him?