So before I even watched this episode of “American Idol,” my sister called me to say that she’d read a line on the snarktastic “Television Without Pity” boards that, she was sure, “you’ll wish you had written.”
That line was “The role of Adam Lambert will be played by Jerome Robbins playing Chita Rivera on ‘The Gong Show.’”
Yeah, I wish to biscuits I’d written that. And yeah, that description of the variety show insanity that was Tiny Adam’s performance of “Play That Funky Music”….is fairly accurate, except I would also add “with interpretive dance by Skid Row’s Sebastian Bach with special confetti-throwing appearance by Rip Taylor.”
What the hizzy was that? I love that Young Adam is showing his creativity and his natural gifts as a showman. But he’s gonna overdo that glam rock opera shriek if he goes to it too much. It’s cute right now, but it’s about two shuffles away from irredeemably precious. Watch it, Broadway Joe.
The rest of the night, during which the kids could pick any song they believe best represents them, was a mixed bag of good choices, weird choices and the dumbest choice in the world, which doesn’t matter because the chooser is inspirationally inspirational, staying gold like Ponyboy and raising small puppies from the dead.
Here’s the deal”
— Anoop’s “Caught Up” was much better than the judges thought, but I would love to see him do a song that shows off his voice.
— Megan, again, is better than those mean meanies said. It’s probably time for her to go home soon, but I find her lovely.
— Danny’s Rascal Flatts imitation was pretty good and soulful, but he’s starting to bore me.
— Allison’s “Don’t Speak” was sharp and screamy, but that child can sing. Wow. Her hair, on the other hand, looks like the aftermath of Pebbles Flinstone’s spring break vodka binge.
— Scott…oh, Scott. You have the opportunity to sing anything and you do “Just The Way You Are?” Honestly? How about Ben Folds? Gabe Dixon? Brian McKnight? Any other Billy Joel song? YIKES. A lot.
— Matt…oh Matt. I used to love you. Now I have to fast-forward you.
— Lil is also starting to bore me, but she was saved by having children so diabolically cute that they appeared to have been created in a lap. When that baby went over to punch Randy Jackson for being so mean to her mom and instead wrapped herself around his neck, I thought my teeth were gonna instantly rot from all the sugar.
— Adam – See above.
— Kris Allen, whom I often forget is on this show, was so original, tuneful and sexy that he turned an old chestnut like “Ain’t No Sunshine” into something fresh. I’m beginning to see him in the final. Go, Dark Horse!
