Which blonde abused self-tanner more? You be the judge, it's your armchair challenge this week, since Michael Kors is M.I.A.

Is lots of feathers, sequins and more feathers. In black or white, preferably. Because if you’re in a stage show, and you’re Christina Aguilera, you need to be seen by the 92nd row, and only black and white will do. Feathered black and white.

Oy! I’m feeling dirrrty.

This week’s challenge featured not one, but two so-called fashion icons. The first was Mr. Bob Mackie, the Sultan of Sequins, and yes, he’s looking a little…plastique, but listen, if you grew up in the ’70s like I did, you can’t help but have grown up on a heaping pile of the man’s creations for Carol Burnett, Diana Ross, and of course, Cher. Now would have been the week to pull out the “Half-Breed” tribute, Shirin. Who among us doesn’t remember Cher at the Oscars, thumbing her nose in this little number?

Ah, the quill headress. See, THIS is what you do when the academy forgets to nominate you.

This week’s challenge involved $300 dollars, two days and the directive to create a stage costume for Xtina. The wilder and more resplendent, the better. But first, let’s make sure there’s a spotter in the house for Nicolas, because he might faint from the double trouble combo of Mackie and Aguilera. I can’t tell who’s got him more verklempt, but I think it might be our man Bob. Did Lil’ Nicky get fed a steady dose of the Carol Burnett Show in his formative years in Russia? You have to wonder…

Now, I’m not going to say, “Was there a special on only black and white at Mood?,” because clearly, some of the designers brought back some red and blue satin. I saw it with my own eyes. But it was all dumped in favor of black, white or silvery sequins. I just don’t get it. If you’ve seen Christina’s stage show, you know the platinum blonde loves her some red. And you can see that from the 92nd row!

Something else I just don’t get — Irina’s unbridled nastiness. She’s like a Russian Bette Davis on a mean gin bender. When I first watched the audition tapes before this season began and saw she had a yipping purse dog, I should have known, and now I do. Between her insults tossed Shirin’s way this episode (“I just don’t even see her as a designer.”) to her made-to-be-overheard commentary to her model about Carol Hannah (“She’s so mediocre. If you’re mediocre, at least have a great personality.”), the cattiness level is at code red. Dearest Irina, may I direct you to the nearest Personalities R Us? I find you need a new one, stat.

Everyone is struggling mightily in the workroom, trying to avoid the dreaded sluttiness label (Whaaa? People, we’re talking about a woman who ran around in back-end free chaps!) and figuring out ways to keep sequins from rolling (Gordana) to how to attach feathers (Carol Hannah opts for the glue gun).

I have to say, I’m disappointed in this season’s crop of designers. You have two days. Let us not forget past contestant Laura Bennett hand-beaded some of her entries in challenges. Why is this is proving so hard? Is L.A. pickling your brains? All it takes is a little patience and focus. Not over-reliance on the glue gun. Even Nicolas, the “King of Feathers,” is merely making a mini copy of his evil ice princess gown from the costume challenge.

People, even I can hand bead. Rant over.

Lady Christina herself deigns to appear on the runway, and really, how were the designers to know she would be in her Barbara Eden redux period during the filming? Time to stay away from the tanning bed, and maybe opt for some soft, short curls, Xtina, if you don’t want your hair to fall out. But nice blue dress — gasp, a color!

After a parade of black, white, silvery, sequined and feathered gowns, which I found hard to tell apart except for their varying lengths, Irina was declared safe. Her eye rolls at the other designers’ entries very deemed out, however (I kid, I kid). Gordana, who had immunity, is also declared safe, but not until Heidi gives her another tongue-lashing of epic proportions. Ugh. I can’t take the hate leveled at Gordana week after week anymore. So I make a vow right now — I’m going to Charleston for the holidays, and I plan to pay a visit to her store. And unless I get the mean saleslady a lá Pretty Woman treatment, I’m buying something to show my Gordana solidarity. Take that, Heidi!

The top, if you want to call them that, are Carol Hannah’s black strapless gown with differing shades of ebony and raven-like feathers corseted at the waist, Althea’s slinky silver gown with nine-foot train and Muppet jacket, and Lil’ Nicky’s ice princess-light mini, which Christina claims she can do the hippy-hippy shake in.

Althea works her usual bias line magic with sequins, and even gives a bonus for Xtina — Fozzie Bear jacket included. Sweet!

Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Wait, it was the costume week challenge, and you were a little longer. Nice try Nicolas. Good for you the judges keep mutating week to week.

Here's what I will say for Carol Hannah's winning dress — It's the best model Lisa has every looked. It just skewed a little too Morticia Adams for me.

The bottom are Shirin’s Slutoween witch look, minus the pointy hat, Logan’s zebra print mini with chain detail (which — gasp — I liked!) and Christopher’s “bad prom” pop open jacket dress complete with Moulin Rouge hot pants and the saddest bustier you ever did see. Poor Chris. He’s been fading badly in recent weeks, and even his sketches look like Bratz dolls gone bad.

I know, it's a little 'Sons of Anarchy' goes to CBGBs, but I actually liked Logan's look and wished he'd pulled the pink lining out, as Bob Mackie mentioned.

The point, ahem, of a bustier is to show off the bust, not make the girls go in odd directions. Minus points for the pirate booty shorts.

Is Shirin's dress bottom three material? Yes. Is it the worst of the week? No. And she's never been in the bottom three. I say boil some heads in that witch's cauldron, Ebony, since you got burned, too!

Carol Hannah pulls out a win, which is sweet vindication considering Irina’s haterade. And Christina evens says she “Might actually wear it sometime.” Don’t hold your breath, Carol Hannah! You have a better chance of hooking up with Senor Ski Hat, Logan. Remember when Zulema made that skating dress for Sasha Cohen in season 2? And she was going to wear it? Ha! No one watches more skating than I do, and I’ll eat a Zamboni if I ever saw her in that thing.

But alas, it’s time for tiny Shirin to take the walk of shame. I confess, she got on my nerves at first, but I have come to give her grudging respect. I think this was Christopher’s week to go, and the pathetic, non-consistent judging is to blame. Having La Niña back for one week cannot rectify the injustice and ineptitude of this season.

But congratulations, Bob Mackie, for you get the quote of the night! Regarding Logan’s dress, “On stage a short dress can go up to the crotch and be perfectly fine. You just put diamonds on the crotch, and you’re home free!”

I tell my husband this all the time when I get dressed to go out. Words to live by!