I don’t know how to feel. I have wanted Eli and his whiny, blame-placing self gone for most of the season, and now that’s he’s gone, I gotta say it was a little hard. Everyone was so sad, because they all respect each other and like each other. He was a pretty good chef.
Then again, he was still a whiny, blame-placing punk who calls Inigo Montoya “Indigo Montota.” Stop using “Princess Bride” references wrong, Sonny. Somebody had to go. So it’s a little OK.
This week’s theme is the Bocuse D’or, a big Olympics-of-food competition that people apparently react to as if they were culinary soccer hooligans. It looks awesome. Gavin Kaysen, the Quickfire host, seems awesome, but awesome enough to distract me from that weird part in Padma’s hair. What is that? And in the previews next week, she’s got bangs. What in the world are they doing to her? It’s a plot, girl! They’re jealous!
Ok…so, back to the food. They have to make something called a ballantine, which involves cooking a protein inside a protein inside a protein. Mike V. interviews that Jen is a great person but that there’s not a whole lot left for her to do. So I don’t feel bad at all when she wins the Quickfire. Smugness is so, so ugly.
The elimination challenge is a mini Bocuse D’or, whose judges include the son of the guy the competition is named after, plus Daniel Boulud, Thomas Keller and Gail Simmons, who must promise to never leave again, because when she does they involve Toby Young. And this will not stand.
The prize is $30,000. In cash. Boy, I wish I could cook, because Pergo costs money. And Mama needs Pergo. Also, new shoes.
They all watch a DVD by the Bocuse D’or, and it’s insane and stressful. Kevin asks Bryan his advice about sous vide, which, you might remember, completely messed up poor Carla last time. Don’t do it! Ask Carla! Don’t attempt the sous vide if you don’t know it! Bryan is being helpful anyway, but interviews that “my brother might not have done the same. I’m not sure.”
Oh, I am. And you know he wouldn’t have.
They all seem pretty nervous, which is interesting, because there is so much at stake here. Tom C. is doing a play by play of all of them, so much that I thought he was gonna start drawing x’s and o’s with ketchup. Jen says it’s a ”battle of perfection.”
The expectation is all-out fanciness, but Kevin wants to give the judges complex flavor in a neat, simple bundle. Please don’t choke, Yukon Cornelius. I need your gentleness. His lamb over salmon looks amazing. Boulud likes it, but Keller thinks it’s a little elementary. Boo.
Mike is doing seafood, which I understand because we’re both from Murlin, hon! But the judges don’t love it. There’s a bone in the fish, which is unforgivable. But it reminds me of my Grandma Streeter, who, when I found bones in the fish she’d deep fried to a fine shiny crisp, would say “You don’t know how to eat fish with bones in it?” and shoot me the international “You’re a pansy” face. Oh, good times.
It’s not going swimmingly for everyone else, either. Keller says Bryan undercooked the lamb, but it’s agreed that he’s got talent. They’re all afraid of Eli’s lamb, but Padma is trying to be sweet about it. Aww! This is such a nice change from when she was evil a few seasons ago.
Jen’s dish, including an interesting-looking shrimp flan, isn’t universally loved, but it seems enough to keep her there. Yay! I don’t need her to win. I just need her to do better than Mike. He and his bro do have a nice moment, because they want their mom to be proud of them. That’s very sweet. Actually, they’re all sweet and really sad to be losing one of their own.
The judges do the rundown – They think Michael’s food was not Mediterranean, like he says it was, and the fish had a bone in it. Jen’s garnishes were good but some of her salmon wasn’t cooked through and her cutting was sloppy. Kevin’s was simple but done well. Bryan tried to do something grand, but it didn’t work. And the winner is…Kevin!
The loser is…Eli, as we discussed at the get-go. And, as I said, it was an emotional booting, because all of these chefs really respect each other going into the finals, unlike last year, when those idiots all had disdain for Carla, even though she was classically trained and, if she had not sous vided, might have won. (This was her fault, of course. But she did have skills.)
Next week – Napa! Drama! Padma’s bangs!
