And it’s not the three I wanted to see.

ALERT: HERE BE SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

At the start of the show, we see our four semi-finalists preparing to meet up for the last showdown before the big pretty finale. Jennifer says she’s doing this for her mom. Kevin says that the Voltaggio brothers are awesome. The Voltaggio brothers agree.

We’re here in beautiful Napa Valley, being greeted by the beautiful Padma Lakshmi, who is, as Jenn says “a hot pregnant mom.” She really is. Don’t love her bangs. But her skin is ridiculously glowy.

With her is Bottega Ristorante chef and “Top Chef Masters” alum Michael Chiarello, who tells them that their last quickfire will be done on the Napa Wine Train, which is behind them. I totally considered doing that for my honeymoon, but since my fiancee isn’t a wine drinker, we decided it was better to do something that both of us would love. Because marriage is about compromise or something like that…Did I mention that it’s wine on a train? How awesome would that have been???

Anyway, the Top Cheftestants are going to be creating dishes that use some variety of grape. At stake is a Toyota Prius, which Jenn totally wants. Me, too.

The food all looks pretty good- Kevin does a honey and fromage blanc mousse, Mike stuff grape leaves with couscous filling, accompanied with scallops. Brian does hen with brussel sprouts, and Jenn does chicken livers and wild truffles, which sounds rich and decadent. But it’s not enough to win, because Michael walks away with the challenge and the Prius. My Jenn is not happy.

The elimination challenge takes us to the Rutherford Hills Winery, where they are having a crush party, which totally sounds like some arcane Upper East Side tradition where Blair, Serena and the gang from “Gossip Girl” wear masks and engage in soul crushing social treachery and pretending to be 40-year-old divorcees. But really, the only things getting crushed here are grapes.

True to this year’s ongoing theme of sustainability (and in keeping in line with Michael’s new Prius), all of the ingredients used in the challenge, except for the salt and pepper, are grown or raised locally. Kevin likes this. Each must make a vegetarian dish and also one using a local protein. Kevin, who is sick of hearing from Mike V. about how simple Kevin’s food is, wants to win to prove that simple, fresh food can win, and that Mike can stick his fancy, complicated snobbery up his butt.

OK, he didn’t say that. But it was implied.

Meanwhile, the brothers V. are proclaming that they’re not going to pull any punches in their efforts to beat all comers, including each other – “Someone’s feelings are gonna get hurt,” Mike says. Why does he appear to be happy about this? Really don’t love him.

Things are not going swimmingly in the kitchen for our none-Voltaggio cheftestants. The coals in the oven Jenn is using are dying, Kevin’s ribs aren’t coming together and meanwhile the Voltaggios are still being fighty. Jenn decides, last minute, to confit her duck rather than smoke it like she was going to. Oh, sweetheart. Last minute changes do not usually come out well on this show.

150 hungry guests, and the judges, show up, freaking out Jenn and her last-minute duck. Brian gets judged first, for his goat cheese veggie dish, and his short ribs with fig puree. That sounds amazing. Michael and his perfectly poached eggs are next – the judges think the eggs overwhelmed the dish and the foie gras.

Kevin has made a salad of beets and carrots, and then brisket and pumpkin polenta. Forget the brisket – the polenta makes me want to jump through the TV and jack somebody’s polenta. Not sure whose, though, because I’m pretty sure all the judges could kick my butt. They love the brisket, except for Gail, who says hers was “ropey.” I don’t know meat but that doesn’t sound good. She does, however, love the color of the vegetarian dish.

Jenn is here now, explaining how the  ducks are really good in that area and how she has cooked hers in its own fat. That’s an incentive to lose weight, right? Because if you don’t, you might find your fat turned against you and made into a delicious sauce. Jenn adds that she’s planned her dishes to go with the wines being served. Good thinking! Way to tie in the most popular local product! YAY!

The judges love the duck, christening it “ducky,” but they think she used too much salt in her goat cheese and radish dish. But the combination is declared to have a “foot in each season,” and that’s good, right? Please? Save my girl.

Padma thanks the cheftestants for a great season, that Tom says proves how professional they all were. And that’s true. These four people, except for the fact that Mike V. can be a jerk to people he believes are beneath him, have been low-drama compared to some of the finalists in other seasons (Hello, Marcel! Greeting, Hung! Bonjour, Hosea, who I am still trying to pretend did not win last season, because he was whiny and annoying. But that’s just me.)

The choice comes down to who made the bigger mistakes. Gail like’s Jenn’s. Tom likes Mike’s brashness, although Padma didn’t love the egg. The winner is…Brian, which makes me happier than if Mike had won, because he’s my least favorite. The problem is, he’s really good, so it’s unlikely that he’s going to go home. The judges are sad. The cheftestants are sad. I am sad. There is sadness. Nobody wants to go home, and the judges don’t seem to want to lose anyone.

Unfortunately, that person we’re losing is Jennifer, my favorite for most of the season. And I get why they picked her to go – she lost confidence in the middle of the season, and Mike and Kevin have been consistently strong. But she’s a class act – her intensity has been turned on herself, not onto other people, and she was consistently helpful, in her intense way, to other people. She’s trying to be strong, but she’s crushed. Like the grapes.

So next week, it’s for all the marbles. I’m officially pulling for Kevin, because he seems to get the most joy from his food, while maintaining the integrity of his craft. I wouldn’t mind Brian V. winning. Anyone but his brother.