The men: Aldrin, Turner, Pavelka, Ochocinco, Lysacek; The women: Andrews, Nash, Scherzinger, Gosselin, Anderson, Doherty. (All photos by Getty Images)

Buzz Aldrin among stars set for `Dancing’ debut

A Bachelor. The premier Baywatch babe. A bad girl. Reality TV’s favorite naggy multiple mom. A figure skater. And an 80-year-old astronaut.

This is either going to be the best, most insanely awesome season of Dancing With The Stars or the most awesome train wreck, a mismatched, “No, don’t go in there!” horror movie of a show.

Which means it’s still going to be amazing.

The crazy lineup of competitors on ABC’s ballroom showdown of the famous and fame-ish is so epic that it’s more than a game show — it’s a rumble.

We break down possible matchups based on the celebrities’ skills, weaknesses and probability of pitching some righteous diva fit and torching the whole thing:

Chad ‘Not Exactly a Wallflower’ Ochocinco vs. Evan ‘Golden Skates’ Lysacek

THE STATS:

Chad — Wide receiver, Cincinnati Bengals; formerly known as Chad Johnson, changed name to match his number (85).

Evan — Gold medalist in figure skating from the 2010 Winter Olympics.

THE POSITIVES:

Chad — An artist at self-marketing, he’s unafraid to say anything about himself or do anything to draw attention to himself at any time. Also, NFL players past and present do very well on this show.

Evan — Figure-skating training may help him somewhat in his transition. Also, he’s got a tall, lithe frame, which suits him well here.

THE NEGATIVES:

Chad — Over-saturation of said self-marketing can get extremely annoying. Ask any past or present NFL commissioner.

Evan — Was shown up by silver medalist Evgeni Plushenko on the medal stand in Vancouver. Also, very hard to do a quad toe loop in a ballroom.

THE ODDS:

Chad in a landslide. What he lacks in dancing skill he more than makes up for with his sheer self-promotion. You think he would’ve taken that mess from the Russian on the medal stand? As Chad says on Versus’ Sports Soup, “Child, please!”

Aiden ‘Stealth Soap Stud’ Turner

vs Jake ‘Pilot of Passion’ Pavelka

THE STATS:

Aiden — Portrayed hot secret agent/bartender/private eye on All My Children.

Jake — Portrayed hot single pilot/multiple dater/himself on The Bachelor.

THE POSITIVES:

Aiden — Soap stud-dom requires staying in top shape, and former costar Cameron Mathison, a specimen of similar studliness, did quite well on the dance floor.

Jake — Is a pilot. Being “The Bachelor” also requires top fitness, and Jake’s six-pack, much on display on TV, indicates that he spends a lot of time working out. Also, competition, whether for hearts or for big gaudy mirror-ball trophies, doesn’t faze him. He handled a house full of babes battling for his heart. He could take down a dance floor.

THE NEGATIVES:

Aiden — Recently fired from AMC, after his character was inexplicably turned into a crazed jealous kidnapper. This could be a distraction.

Jake — Kinda goofy.

THE ODDS:

Aiden. Held his own on-screen against Susan Lucci. ’nuff said.

Pamela ‘Baywatch Bombshell’ Anderson vs. Shannen ‘Mean Ol’ Brenda’ Doherty

THE STATS:

Pamela — One-time Baywatch babe, known now for the guys she dates/gets engaged to/marries.

Shannen — Gets parts on shows, creates stirs on said shows, leaves shows early. (See: Beverly Hills 90210, Charmed.)

THE POSITIVES:

Pamela — Has no apparent problems partnering; still in good shape; does have some moves (See: Barb Wire).

Shannen — Clearly among toughest competitors; determined to outdo ex-90210 castmates Ian Ziering and Jennie Garth from past seasons in judges’ eyes.

THE NEGATIVES:

Pamela — Could break up with partner Damian Whitewood at any given time to return to either Kid Rock or Tommy Lee.

Shannen — Two words: Cat fight. Anyone, anytime, anywhere.

THE ODDS:

Will America’s males harken back to the days of Pamela running on the beach? I’m thinking there’s more than a few guys who harbored a secret Brenda crush back in the day — going with Shannen in an upset. And if there’s physical contact during group dance? Shannen takes it with a hockey fight.

Buzz ‘Lightyear’ Aldrin vs

Kate ‘The Power of Eight’ Gosselin

THE STATS:

Buzz — Second man to walk on the moon. Retired Air Force pilot. Inspiration for the MTV Moon Man statue.

Kate — Highly fertile. Has tacked another two or three hours on that 15 minutes of fame and seems intent on running that clock out.

THE POSITIVES:

Buzz — Landed a module on the moon, so even at 80 should be able to whip the waltz. An American hero. Still cute. Once punched a dude who accused him of helping fake the moon landing, so … feisty.

Kate — Handles eight kids on a daily basis while juggling TV fame, tabloid infamy, her ex and a new hair. Sister’s a multi-tasker for sure.

THE NEGATIVES:

Buzz — Is 80, which could limit his physical ability and could make him cranky. Might get annoyed with being judged and, in a terse moment, haul off and punch Bruno Tonioli in the face if he gets smart.

Kate — Being a tabloid fascination doesn’t mean she’s beloved, because … she’s not in some circles. Has the distraction of eight kiddies. Can be a wee bit … irritable.

THE ODDS:

Buzz. Even with four more decades than Kate and a lot of miles on him, he’s just impressive. Plus, did we mention he was an astronaut?

Niecy “Cleaning House” Nash vs. Erin “Sportscasting Spice” Andrews vs. Nicole “Doncha Wish Your Dance Partner Was Hot Like Me?” Scherzinger

THE STATS:

Niecy — Stand-up comic, star of Clean House and Reno 911

Erin — ESPN sideline reporter

Nicole — Chief Pussycat Doll singer

THE POSITIVES:

Niecy — Stand-up comics have to be steely-eyed and, if tomatoes are flying, limber. Did a lot of improv on Reno 911 so she thinks fast. Has to brave the nastiest houses in America on Clean House, so she’s fearless. And probably has a strong immune system.

Erin — Sports journalism requires a quick mind, and standing for long games in heels requires strong legs. Was also on the UF’s dance squad … wait … is this fair?

Nicole — Is a dancer. Seriously. Just a straight-up dancer. We cry foul.

THE NEGATIVES:

Niecy — The oldest of the ladies in this matchup, and the only one with no obvious previous dance training. Also, a quick mouth and quick feet don’t necessarily go together .

Erin — No obvious ones, although we must point out that while Andrews claims to not want to be seen as sexy, she’s been paired with Maxim Chmerkovskiy, who seems allergic to shirts.

Nicole — No obvious ones … because she’s a DANCER.

THE ODDS:

Nicole, hands, feet and heels down. Because she’s, you know, a dancer.