Last night Kiefer Sutherland began serving a 48-day jail term for getting busted driving drunk — the second time that’s happened in three years. That makes no sense. Dude, you’re rich. If you’re gonna get hammered, call your driver and let him take you home next time. Or if you’re so hammered that you can’t even see the numbers on your cell phone, have one of your buddies/flunkies/hangers-on do it for you.

Incarceration may be new to Sutherland, but it’s not for Jack Bauer, 24‘s super CTU agent who has spent his fair amount of time in lock-up and getting tortured by really mean terrorists. Forty-eight days is nothing for Jack, who once spent two years in a Chinese hellhole while being subjected to all sorts of unspeakable criminal atrocities.

Imagine if battle-tested Jack could give Hollywood actor Kiefer some pointers on dealing with his time in stir. If he could, here’s what Jack would probably tell him.

Never let ‘em see you sweat: “Sure, the joint can be a scary place that’s filled with a bunch of not-so-nice people. But if you want to establish a solid rep, talk tough and act it. Even if you’re not. Yelling in a gravelly voice helps.”

Avoid the showers: “You know why. Do I have to spell it out? Just use the sink in your cell. Trust me. You don’t want to mess around with this one.”

Grow an ugly beard: “It’s what I did in China. Gave me something to do. I hated it, but during the times I wasn’t being whipped or beaten, I stared at those scraggly hairs and couldn’t wait to shave. It motivated me to stay positive during the dark times.”

Don’t give up hope: “The Shawshank Redemption” is one of my favorite movies. Always has been. I loved the part when Andy told Red about hope and how it’s a good thing and that it never dies. Remember that. And if you forget, hell, you’ll be out in a few weeks anyway.”