America, I don’t usually enjoy the “American Idol” audition process, because my finger hurts from fast-forwarding all the idiots they throw in between the actual singers. But the show’s stop in Atlanta was brilliant, both in its talent, and the sheer weirdness of the clowns – at least of the ones I saw. A lot of them got fast-forwarded, because my time is precious, and if I don’t feel like giving it to idiots who know they can’t sing – or should.

I was going to tell you about General Larry, who sang a great song about how kids need to stop wearing the saggy pants and the gold teeth and acting like idiots, but it’s said better here.

Before I praise the episode, though, I want to yell at the show about two disturbing trends that you’ve gotta cut out:

— This condescending thing that Kara does where she says “I gotta tell you, when you walked in here I took one look at you and knew you were gonna suck, but you surprised me by actually not being the hideous wreck that you looked like. Because let me tell you, Brother, you are not attractive.” She doesn’t quite say all that, but she might as well when she says “I looked at you and thought ‘Here we go again.’” Its not the same as when they say “You looked like a country girl but sing like Aretha Franklin.” It’s more “You looked like someone we would have dismissed through no fault of your own, but because we’re small people.” Mind you, these have not been just the people dressed as guitars or with stupid shirts printed with their nicknames that they never noticed were misspelled. These are people dressed as themselves, and maybe they aren’t hot or beautiful or styled, but they deserve a heck of a lot more than you backhandedly complimenting them by telling us exactly how closed-minded YOU are, Kara. Have some frigging self-awareness, girl.

— The similarly condescending banjo/”Sopranos”/African music they play to herald the arrival of a poor white person, or an Italian-American, or someone whose parents are from Africa. It’s…wow. Get this, Show – beyond your upper-middle class world are people who are not blown away by ethnicity or poverty as some alien state, who don’t see them as some stupid joke that you can laugh at on the way to Nobu because you can’t imagine anyone actually lives like that. It, again, reflects badly not on the contestants but on the show, because it shows the producers’ ignorance, not the singers. Get a clue and a map, Show.

Moving on…

Mary J.Blige, sadly, figured into that condescension a wee bit by laughing at this guy the show was mocking because he claimed he’d almost died several times, and they considered him too backwoods and dumb to know he was being made fun of. I sort of think that she thought it was a joke at first, but he hadn’t even started singing yet, and she’s busting out laughing with Kara playing along. It was cruel and beneath her. Besides that, she had great advice about control and pitch, and she complimented a singer by calling him “annointed,” which was beautiful.

She also cemented my love by not understanding – at all – this girl dressed as a guitar who turned out to have a great voice, because why do you come like a joke if you A) have watched the show and know those people aren’t taken seriously and B) don’t have to do that to be noticed. The other judges are all “You’re funny and we’ll give you a chance” and she’s like “Seriously. I do not get this. Awesome, awesome awesomeness.

I loved Keia, the girl with the yellow pants and bright blonde curls to match; Tisha, dressed like T-Boz from TLC with the bamboo earrings and leather jacket, like she was frozen in 1992 and woke up in time for the audition; Jermaine, the church singer who took Joan Osbourne’s “One Of Us” to church, and the school, and possibly to church school; Bryan the cop; Vanessa Jo, the sweet, talented girl whose countryness they mocked with the “Hee Haw” music; i hate the hee haw music; Mallorie, the “Piece of My Heart” girl; and Skii Bo Ski, who acted like an idiot but truly does not seem to understand that. Sad. He’ll get booted soon. But he’s so confident you wanna hug him. And then have him pitch that shirt.

While I don’t condone the show setting up people to be laughed at because of things they can’t change right now (their accents, place of birth, dental health), I don’t mind when people are brought to task about things they can correct this instant – namely, their attitude. One such lad is Lamar, who flipped out on the panel when they uncharacteristically tried to let him down easy, telling him he had some natural talent that was not at all what they were looking for in its current state.

“You’re telling me I can’t sing?” he bellowed.

“Um, no,” the judges said. “That’s not what we said.”

“Stop telling me I can’t sing!” he kept yelling, rebelling by continuing to try to do “My Cherie Amore,” cussing and singing and trying not to cry until he was escorted out to the street, where he kept crying and singing and “My Cherie Amore”ing while people stopped at the light applauded him. It was so surreal and beautiful and, in a way, like old-school schooling about the importance of listening and being realistic and shutting the heck up. Bravo, show. Bra-vo.

mary j told him he needs to stop tryig to exalt himself.

told mary j she couldnt sing- i wish paula was here.

she ducked.

oh, that was funny.

general larry platt – old guy. i love him. get you pants off te ground!