The naked dude from Sex and the Cityrs tears it up with his partner Cheryl Burke on Dancing with the Stars

Injuries are as much a part of Dancing with the Stars as sequined get-ups and passionate tangos. But the injuries normally happen during the course of the show. The eighth season, however, hadn’t even started, but two stars — Jewel and Nancy O’Dell — were already down and out for the count.

So, who would replace them?

Tom Bergeron did his best to amp up the suspense on last night’s two-hour premiere, but anyone who follows the show already knew Playboy Playmate Holly Madison was in rehearsals last week and that the producers were hot for Melissa Rycroft, the poor chick who just got dumped on The Bachelor.

Monday nights are never quite the same without Dancing. Although last season’s edition was the show’s worst, here’s hoping this one will be better.

Now, boys and girls, it’s on to the season premiere recap.

Lil’ Kim: Well, well now, “Black Barbie” played it safe. Which isn’t something the pint-sized rapper is actually known for. That Kim reined it in a tad was a little disappointing since she was cha-cha-cha-ing to Janet Jackson’s Nasty Girls. If any song cried out for some sassy, you-go-girl ‘tude it was that one. I’ll chalk up Kim’s somewhat stiff performance to first week nerves. Still, The Lil’ One showed off enough moves — and potential — to stick around for several weeks. At least she wasn’t Kim Kardashian out there.

Belinda Carlisle: Speaking of first week nerves, Belinda had a worse case than Kim. While I wouldn’t have compared Belinda’s hoofing to Cloris Leachman like Carrie Ann did (no one on the planet dances like that woman!), Belinda’s waltz was definitely less than graceful and elegant. Again, Belinda could’ve had the jitters. And who could blame her? On the other hand, maybe ballroom dancing just ain’t her thing. We’ll see.

Lawrence Taylor: It’s no secret that LT has some big cleats to fill. Every NFL player on Dancing has done well and wowed the crowd with his agility and style. Emmitt Smith even won the shabang. Perhaps Lawrence was feeling the pressure. He sure danced like it. There’s some rhythm in the brotha somewhere, but it was struggling to get out last night. LT was afraid of looking like a “fool.” He didn’t. But he didn’t look comfortable, either. You could actually see him mouthing the dance steps. Or perhaps he was counting the days to when he gets voted off. It LT keeps dancing the way he did last night, that day will be coming sooner than he’d like.

Steve-O My soon-to-be 20-year-old son knows way more about Steve-O’s crazy stupid Jackass antics than I do. Did I mention my son is almost 20 and I’m creeping towards 47? That should explain everything. I was halfway expecting Steve-O to, oh, I dunno, pull a pig out of his rear while twirling his partner, Lacey Schwimmer. But Steve-O played it straight-O. His performance wasn’t great-O. But it was better-O than I thought it would be-O.

Gilles Marini: For most women, all The Nekkid Dude from Sex and the City has to do is just stand there in all his hunky glory and he’d still get perfect scores. But since Dancing is, well, a dance competition show, the rules actually require that you, uh, dance. And boy did Gilles and Cheryl tear it up. Stemy, hot stuff. The best dance of the night…by far. Isn’t chemistry a beautifu thing?

Chuck Wicks: Aren’t Chuck and Julianne the cutest couple? You just want to pinch their wittle cheeks. They look like they got plucked off a wedding cake, or something. Chuck’s another dancer with lots of potential. And you could tell he’s gonna work really hard to make his girlfriend look good. That’s what all good boyfriends do, after all.

Holly Madison: When did Susan Lucci get blonde and about 30 years younger? That’s all I kept thinking while I was watching the timid and woefully bad Playboy Playmate do whatever she was doing. In Holly’s defense, she joined the show at the last minute and had zero time to rehearse. Maybe she’ll be better next week. But I don’t think so. Holly dances like her boobs are weighing her down. Which they probably are.

Ty Murray: I never thought I’d see a cowboy doing The Robot. But that’s what Ty’s hilarious cha-cha-cha looked like. His Robot was in desperate need of a few cans of oil. That had to be one of the funniest dances in Dancing‘s illustrious history. Did I just call Dancing‘s history illusrtious? Yup. Sure did. I’m sorry. It’s late and I’m gettin’ a little punchy. No more adult beverages before blogging! Ya-hooooooooo, Ty for keepin’ The Robot alive! Somewhere, you know Michael Jackson is dusting off Dancing Machine.

Shawn Johnson: Very nice. Shawn is already an early favorite. You can see why. Although there’s a major height difference between Shawn and Mark Ballas, it doesn’t look like it’ll matter. You gotta watch those tiny gymnasts. Extremely competitive and driven, those itty bitty gymnasts.

Steve Wozniak: Not many people could rock a pink boa and something that looked like an ascot. But Steve kinda pulled it off. Kinda. He’s no Gene Kelly, that’s for sure. Kinda dances more like David E. Kelley. But Steve is having a blast. Steve’s no dummy. All that Apple dough proves that. He knows his days are numbered, so he’s enjoying the ride for as long as he can.

David Allen Grier: One of the strangest dances of the night. Mostly because like Bruno said, David was playing about five different characters during it. Dude didn’t know what to do with his face. All that In Living Color work clearly worked to David’s disadvantage. Throughout his waltz, you could tell David so wanted to do something goofy. But he kept it together and was actually halfway decent. Now pick one facial expression and stick with it.

Denise Richards: You know a star hoofer isn’t doing well when you can’t take your eyes of his or her less famous partner. I found myself watching “Makseepooh” and wondering how he manages to swivel his hips the way he does. Batteries? Denise — the worst Bond girl ever — was just…there. Like a prop. A bad one.

Melissa Rycroft: See what happens when you get dumped on live TV? You get asked to join another reality show so your 15 minutes of fame can be extended even further. Fresh off getting the boot by Jason Mesnick on The Bachelor, Melissa did her best to show Jason what he’ll be missing by wearing a slinky aqua get-up that accentuated all her best features. I almost expected the band to start playing En Vouge’s Never Gonna Get It. Oh, yeah, Melissa danced pretty well, too. Take that, Jason!