Last night’s show. Oh, last night’s show. It makes me happy, and yet, it makes me so, so sad. And angry.

This biased, out-of-nowhere judging must stop! These substitute judges must return from whence they came! I need a drink. Is Oktoberfest still going on? Heidi seems to think so. But I get ahead of myself.

Our usual models are eighty-sixed in favor of several ladies in varying styles of wedding gowns. But these are not blushing brides. They are all divorcées, and their dresses must be remade to represent their new lives. Sort of like the Trash the Dress trend, only without mud and paint. But dye is allowed.

The trip to Mood is only for 15 minutes, 25 dollars is the stipend, and two yards of fabric and notions are all that is allowed. In other words, less is more. Which is why, when the designers’ names are picked from the button bag, the dresses with the most yardage (and their respective owners) are the first to get picked. This is bad news for little Shirin, who is picked last, and ends up with crazy divorcée Charlie, a, nitpicky force of nature who demands to have her tiny, plain satin gown remade into a Cher “Half-Breed” costume, complete with feathers.

Need a refresher? Allow me:

Admit it. You'll be singing 'Half-Breed' all day.

Shirin has never been a favorite of mine, but when she cries on the divine Tim Gunn’s shoulders, I think we all felt her pain. Tim’s advice? Golden, as usual. Remember that it’s your butt on the line, so put your aesthetic on the runway before a peacock feather explosion takes over. Clear your workspace and play with your materials. Shirin listens, and takes a simple white sheath and adds contrast stitching in an interesting pattern that ups the ante. That’s how you reuse and recycle!

Over in the boys corner, Logan is making pants. The saddest wool pants you will ever see. It goes beyond “That crotch is insane!” to “The waistband is unfinished, and the hem is an afterthought.” But his divorcée demaned pants, so brown tweed pants she will have. And since he was able to squeeze them out of two yards, he’s feeling justified.

Nicolas has an earthy-crunchy client who wants no animal cruelty fabrics of any kind, but her taste level is cruel enough for humans to suffer needlessly. Epperson misinterprets the challenge, and uses too little of his dress, so he starts over with a new design. Does anyone else hear the clanging chimes of doom?

At least Gordana, poor, slighted Gordana, is making something that looks fresh, new and edgy. Dyeing her fabric (and most of her hands and arms), she’s cut a strapless dress with diagonal bias strips and frayed edges. Even her neckline has interest. But her tears are welling, spilling over on a phone call home that no one answers. More foreshadowing?

Time for the runway! Michael Kors is back, and I won’t even deign to mention the worthless fill-in judges. I simply can’t bring myself to care about these anonymous women Lifetime is throwing at me every week. Check, please.

Here’s what I can care about: How in the world did Nicolas’ turd in the punchbowl heinosity not wind up in the bottom three? I’ve seen better marcramé planter hangers at the The Seventies Appreciation Society Convention.

Little Nicky had one of the tiniest models — and one of the ugliest designs. Even he admitted it! So why was he safe?

My eyes, they burn.

The bottom three are Epperson and Logan, who get called out by Heidi for being too Oktoberfest. Let’s be frank, Frau Samuel, since that’s what you’re changing your name to — you just wanted to use that word to show off your German heritage. Tagging along in the bottom was Christopher’s off-day crinkly silver bubble dress mess. Oy. Who will get das boot? See Heidi, I can do it, too!

Logan's entry was 'Annie Hall' on bottom and David's Bridal on top. Was I the only one who noticed the unfinished waistband?

I thought Epperson's dress skewed more Kabuki than Oktoberfest, but it's Heidi's world and we're just living in it.

The top three were Shirin’s not-so-Cher remake, perpetual favorite Irina’s safe and boring copper lace look, and praise and glory be, Gordana’s sexy slate punk sheath, complete with knee high boots.

Gordy's dress was made entirely from the cast-off gown's lining. Way to think creatively!

Every season has a client who's an absolute pill. Poor Shirin got stuck this time. And they call her...Charlie!

And who wins this, the final immunity elimination challenge? Go go Gordana! Finally, some recognition, even if Heidi tempers it with,” You did a good job…this time.” Whatevs, Heidi. If you want to see more of Gordana’s lovely work, check out her Web site. Trust me, it will make Heidi mad.

But sadly, someone has to go, and it’s my beloved Grandpa Fashion, Epperson. Never mind that Logan has yet to send one memorable garment down the runway, unless we’re counting the silver pants he pulls out to wear on his own frame when he needs to be safe. Is he staying in the running because of his looks?

I think the answer is as obvious as those silver pants.

But Epperson is classy too the end, and his poor model Matar is almost apoplectic during the accompanying Models of the Runway. Darling Grandpa Fashion, you touch lives, and will be missed.

Next week, Christina Aquilera. Get your pitch fingers ready for some sangin’!