The two Russells on 'Survivor' are among the scariest reality TV moments. (CBS)

This Halloween weekend, as you plan spooky marathons featuring your Freddies and your Jasons and your Jigsaws, I am reminded, with an involuntary chill tiptoeing down my neck, of the spectre that haunts my dreams.

I can see her now, bathed in an aura of contempt, her wild nut eyes pulsing larger and larger as her face contorts into a grotesque mask of uncontrollable rage, building until she finally explodes, rising in one frightening motion and emitting in a ferocious roar: “PROSTITUTION WHORE!!!!!”

Seriously. That had to be the scariest episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey ever.

I’m amazed at the gazillions of dollars Hollywood spends to create elaborate alternate realities of terror, when for almost no money, reality television can match that terror for a relatively Dollar Tree-esque budget, with special effects no more fancy than horribly inflated egos, eager product placement and the best catfights that clever casting, desperation and love of cash and prizes can buy.

2009 alone has registered some of the most singularly scary moments in the genre. This year alone, we have seen a Survivor contestant almost die on camera, Jon and Kate implode and aforementioned Real Housewife Teresa completely lose, as Snoop Dogg would say, her shiznit.

In the spirit of Halloween, here are my Scariest Reality Moments of 2009. Feel free to scream:

The Russells, ‘Survivor’ (CBS): The current season’s most eye-popping moments are courtesy of two guys with the same name, for very different reasons. Good Russell, the leader of the Galu tribe, provided a legitimate scare recently when he passed out during a challenge, his blood pressure dropping alarmingly, his eyes rolling back in his head. The other Russell is the show’s so-called mastermind, who so far has succeeded in dumping his tribe’s water out, making himself giggle and creeping people out. The only thing scarier is CBS’ insistence that he’s a genius.

Teresa flips out, ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ (Bravo): We were already slightly horrified by her cavernous, Vegas-licious McMansion, her clueless stagemothering and her insistence on discussing her surgically enhanced “bubbies.” But when Teresa flipped over a fully set dinner table in a confrontation with supposed trampy fellow Housewife Danielle like she was the unholy spawn of the Incredible Hulk and Carmela Soprano, we knew what terror was. Even if the whole dinner fight was set up by producers, that crazy-eyed look of rage seemed real. And real psycho.

Jon and Kate Plus Hate, ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8,’ (TLC): The originally sweet story of a nice couple and their eight cute kiddies finally ended this month in a hail of lawsuits, recriminations and sadness, which is probably best for everyone. The one thing that TLC can’t cancel, unfortunately, is the amount of nastiness the Gosselins spew in various interviews, because they just won’t shut up and let their kids heal. When Jon said on Good Morning America that he despised his ex, in the same interview in which he told her to “Stop feeding into the frenzy,” it was a truly stunning moment in cluelessness, lack of self-awareness and bad parenting. Dude, that’s your kids’ mom.

Spencer and Heidi do everything but shut up, ‘I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here’ (ABC): Spencer Pratt and his wife, Heidi Montag Pratt, are, to me, the Frankenstein’s monsters of reality television, because it’s hard to tell whether their scariness is the fault of their creators (MTV’s The Hills), something they were born with, or something they created themselves to extend their 15 minutes of fame and delay having to get real jobs that don’t involve being fake celebrities. My favorite part of the show — when Spencer got into a curse-fight with comedy duo Frangela that Heidi attributes to him adjusting to his newfound Christianity. Now they’re involving Jesus in this?

I’m sure we haven’t seen the pinnacle in reality spookiness yet, even with these doozies, because people keep watching. And if you get good ratings from having one crazy lady toss a table over, imagine what’s next? And that, as Count Floyd once said, is really scary.