Michael isn't thrilled about Phyllis' portrayal of Santa.

The Dunder Mifflin Christmas party had it all – Santa wars, a petulant Jesus, job uncertainty and, of course, 12 drummers drumming.

Thankfully, no maids a-milking were involved.

“Secret Santa” opens up with Dwight announcing he has put his diabolical plot to take down Jim on hold for Christmas. He cites his being tired, the short days and wonders aloud whether he’s depressed.

He’s not depressed. It’s just the holidays, brother.

As Erin’s secret Santa, Andy comes up with the great idea of giving her the 12 Days of Christmas. Problem is, her cat kills a turtle dove and the French hens pull out her hair for nesting purposes.

Andy decides this is one Secret Santa who should remain just that, never to be revealed.

After years of lobbying for the job, only to be passed over time and again, Phyllis finally lands the St. Nick gig. Boasting the right temperament and figure, she deftly assumes the role and has to break the news to a nervous Creed that he will get coal after his being “really, really bad. More evil than strictly ‘wrong.’ “

My Christmas wish is that 2010 finally brings my long-awaited Creed episode. Where’d he come from? What makes him tick? What’s with the icky flirtation with Merdith?

Michael is outraged to learn that his annual role of Santa has been given to Phyllis. He derisively calls her “tranny claus” and says she is “pretending to be a man. I’m the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt.”

Desperate for his old job, Michael allows an indecisive Kevin to sit on his lap and then tries to grab Ryan. Jim steps in to point out to Michael that he can’t yell out ” ‘I need this, I need this,’ while you pin down an employee on your lap.”

An annoyed Phyllis pulls out the big guns, telling Jim,  “Don’t make me get Bob involved!”

The point (or is that threat?) is made. Bob Vance of Bob Vance Refrigeration is not one to be trifled with.

Unable to regain his Santa role, Michael takes the logical step of becoming the next best thing – Jesus. Though he has “the power of flight” and “can heal leopards,” this Jesus has a poor attitude.

A very, very poor attitude.

Jesus points out that Stanley is going to hell because of his adultery, sings “Deck the halls with crappy – ,” and, worst of all, outs Andy as Erin’s well-meaning, if slightly psychotic Secret Santa.

Michael calls David Wallace at corporate to tell him how Phyllis has “uslurped” his role as Santa. David has no time for such shenanigans, admitting that Dunder Mifflin is being sold and that he’s about to be fired.

You know, as much as I kinda like David Wallace, the dude deserves to be fired. How many times has he told Michael – a known buffoon and world-class gossip – secret information? And each time David seems stunned to learn that Michael spilled the beans! Hello?

Michael, of course, spills the beans to staff and through an elaborate, though impressive ruse involving David’s kids and a fake pediatrician, Michael gets David on the phone and asks him to admit to the staff that they are all being fired. In a “Christmas miracle,” David says only the corporate bigwigs are getting the boot, and everyone else will keep their jobs.

A nice, little gift in the form of an amusing holiday episode from the Dunder Mifflin crew.

God bless us everyone, indeed.